I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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