It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
