i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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