do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
