I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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