Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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