dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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