I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
it's great music for shaving your balls
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
