So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
