my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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