I didn't shave. On purpose
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize