question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
