i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize