Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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