she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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