Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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