Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
