Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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