He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Mom said you looked used
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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