I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
