Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
