she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
