he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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