Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize