I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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