margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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