the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
