Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
