i just wanna soil my oats bro
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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