Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
