i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
