Cold hands, warm shart.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
