Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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