You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
