Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The Olympian is in my bed
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
