Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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