Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
