why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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