It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
