i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
