he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
