I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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