Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's just like the Real World with babies
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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