reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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