Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
