Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
