The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
