No stitches, just platelets and will power
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
