Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
