Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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