I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
