ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
