All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
